disappointment

I was surprised this week with some major disappointment.   It wasn't even something I had control over, and I sort of thought I would feel relief when I got the news, but instead I started crying, a lot.  I'm keeping my kidneys.  I know, weird thing to be sad about, but I'll explain.  My mom's kidneys are failing and she needs a transplant.  She is very healthy otherwise but the kidneys just aren't cutting it anymore so she needs a transplant.  Immediately when I heard that I just knew I was the person that would give her my kidney.  Before you think of what a saint I am, though, you should know that I didn't even call to get the paperwork for a LONG time.  Seriously, months - they tested almost everyone else before me.  When it was finally me, though, I was really convinced I was the key, right up until I wasn't.  I guess my mom has a high PRA (which is a measure of how many antibodies you have in your blood), the higher your PRA the larger the percentage of people whose tissues your body will reject.  That's why I thought I would feel relief - no surgery, no loss of kidney.  Instead I felt like I was trying to do a good deed and just got a big fat, "absolutely not!!" (2 exclamation points for emphasis)  So, I guess if you need a good kidney, you know where to look....